yesterday & today

I normally think about a lot more than I have the past few days, and while my work ethic has improved, I miss being all over the place. Kinda.

I don't know if ADD is something that needs to be "fixed". I like my weirdo connections, but not the inability to remember things or actually listen when people are talking. I just wish I could balance it all better. Getting yelled at all the time isn't much fun though.

The meds have kinda fucked with my sleep. I've been able to (thank god, I know some people who can't) but my dreams feel incredibly realistic and real. This morning I woke up and had to remind myself that I didn't yell at and hit a coworker for interrupting me repeatedly. He's a notorious interrupter/mansplainer so the thought process isn't that ridiculous, but my dreams aren't typically like that. I'm the type of person who always knows I'm dreaming. At least when I wake up, and this one took a chunk of the morning to work out of my brain.

I don't like how focused I've been on work. I'd rather focus on this group, sailing, working on my own stuff. But it's 9:51 pm and I need to write a quick paragraph about a teacher who is leaving the school. Hu-fucking-zah.

Now would be a good time to work on setting intentions. That's what it's called, right? Positive outlook creates what you want, self-fulfilling prophecies and all of that. So here's what I want in my life in no particular order:

My own place. I lived alone before moving to Chicago and really, really miss it. I thrive when I'm able to really get away from other people for a period of time. Actually, I thrive around people, too. I just really need a balance. You don't get that balance when you have roommates. I feel stuck in my room a lot. I would feel better if I lived alone.

A steady job that allows me to pay all of my bills and have a bit leftover for fun and savings. I think this is self-explanatory because most people want this. My job right now is steady, but the pay isn't great (it's across the organization). I get to be kind of creative so that makes up for it, but not being properly compensated is a bit of a kick to the lady bits. I'd also like more room to grow. I want to learn more, especially about the programs I use, because I feel like then I'll actually be able to create the things I see in my head. I'd really like to see them, but I'm not quite sure how to get there. I also believe that the more you know the more confident you are, I need this.

More physical strength. I'm not weak, but I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. Come to think of it, I'd like to work on mental strength as well. It'd help with the physical. I find myself getting caught in patterns where I really want something but it takes me forever to muster the gumption to actually do it. And then I roll around in self-hate for a bit when I opt to sit instead. 'Tis a cycle I'd like to break.

I'd like to be in a relationship. I first typed "I wouldn't mind being in a relationship" because it felt pathetic and needy to actually put what I want out into the ether, but what's the point in setting intentions if they aren't honest? Also, why is that pathetic? I don't need a relationship. I'd like one. The right one. I don't believe in soul mates, I think it sounds lovely on a very base level, but improbable both mathematically, emotionally, mentally, and for a lot of people, physically. I've been single for awhile and have enjoyed it. I've worked on myself a lot and think I'm in good working order. Or at least better than before. I'm not going to rush it, and in the meantime I'm stocking up plenty of terrible/funny/weird first date anecdotes.

I want to sail as a regular member of an experienced crew this summer. Last night I sailed with a group of people who have been sailing together for around 8 years. Some of them have been sailing together for twenty. They know each other, they know the boat, they know the lake. It was intimidating, awesome, and ego-destroying. It sucked (I sucked) but I needed that. Up until last night, most of the people I've been around have very little experience sailing and apparently I got cocky. Two of the women on the crew are older (like 60s) and fucking badasses. No excuses, tough sailors. The skip is a scientist and very pragmatic regarding expectations. Listen to the conversation, ask questions, but don't worry about it on the boat. At least when it comes to tactics talk. If it's on the boat listen, ask questions, and learn it. These people are a wealth of knowledge and I don't want to just use them for that, I want to contribute. I want to be a valued member of the crew.

I want to buy my own sailboat in the next 5-7 years. This one is contingent on the job situation as sailboats are not cheap. I feel at ease on boats, and seem to get happier the longer I'm on one. I want to live aboard and make a solid living working freelance so I can travel on aforementioned sailboat. This requires getting consistent clients and being a general badass content-wise. Which leads me to...

Making badass content. I want to find a way to balance focus and creativity. I want to be open to other people's ideas and contributions to my ideas without feeling like it makes me a failure or less-than in some way. I want to make an impact. And I can't keep waiting.

I want to be better than ok, but by my definition. Maybe I'll expound on this one later, but it feels pretty huge right now.

Holy shit, this is over 900 words. Not too bad considering I felt like my thought process mojo lost the jo. Apparently it's still in there. I feel much calmer now and very thankful for this experiment.