everything is spectacular, everything is normal.

I'm bored. I'm almost always bored. And if you're bored it means you're boring, right? That's what "they" say. I'm almost always bored and I'm not sure if it's because I expect something ridiculous from the world or if this is millennial ennui, or both. Maybe they're one and the same. Entertain me all the time and make it fucking amazing, otherwise, meh. Been there, done that, act like you've been here before.

When I'm out on a boat I get amused by the people taking endless photos of the skyline with their phones because I was that person, and 9/10 times it all looks the same. It's amazing, but even the amazing can become mundane. I stopped taking skyline shots awhile ago, unless there is some insane fog or storm or another wildcard that changes it up. During my trip to the British Virgin Islands I quickly became used to waking up in tropical coves, it just felt natural and normal to me, and I worried I lost my ability to find wonder and amazement in the world. Everything is spectacular, everything is normal.

I'm always afraid I'm boring, but I also really don't want to be over the top. It's a constant battle. Be interesting, but not crass. Make people remember you, but don't try to hard. Find perfection within your imperfections. God, what's the point?

I don't want to be jaded.

I like seeing and appreciating and keeping it all to myself. I know that the photo won't do it justice and most of the time just frustrates the show-er and the viewer. Which is ironic because I absolutely love film and photography.

I find myself watching hours upon hours of TV and videos online. Get home, take off pants, type in password, consume, consume, consume. Just constantly devouring other people's creations because the fear of not being interesting literally stymies me to a complete stop. And not the new age literally that really means figuratively, I actually stop and sit on my bed watching bullshit. I need to be better about doing, creating, being more. And doing this in an authentic way. There's no point in copying unless you do it better.

Earlier today I found myself trying to think of topics and ways to write that would get me the most likes, and I got really pissed off at myself. That's so reductive, and not at all what I want to accomplish with this, and frankly, shameful. I could blame Zuckerberg, but it's definitely not his fault.

I'm not entirely sure what I need to do to stop boring myself, but I do know I need to stop thinking "I'll start (learning French, practicing my ukulele, actually editing together clips to make videos) when I (make more money, find a new apartment)." because that isn't getting me anywhere but bored.

It's boring just to write this, but maybe that's just the ADHD talking. Oh well, guess it's time for me to get back to The Good Wife, I have three episodes banked.