I fucking hate slow walkers, and I'm sick of all of the asterisks that I normally have to put behind that. e.g. "Except for the elderly, because y'know, they can't walk as fast." My ego doesn't allow for excuses or reason.
I always walk quickly. Even when I'm not trying to get somewhere in a timely manner I walk quickly. If I'm not in the city and in an area with a slower life pace (like islands, island time is real y'all), I walk quickly. I'm currently in a walking cast and I walk faster than half the people I encounter. I just don't get why people can't get out of my way. Feel free to have your "journey," but don't fuck with mine.
I like the fact that I hate slow walkers. I realize that this is all so very far from zen, and it feels nice. It feels real. It feels like I'm not faking some weird bullshit movement, and yes, I think being zen all the time (or trying to be) is bullshit. I'm that person who speeds out of the parking lot blasting T. Swizzle after yoga class. Sweat flying. Get out of my way, your saunter isn't cute.
I work in a northern neighborhood in Chicago near a major university. I love the neighborhood. We're right on the lake, people are generally known (there are definitely some characters), and the sidewalks are skinny like you see in the burbs. This isn't a problem unless the college kids are around. Then they walk in packs. Four across and slow. I always want to yell at them that they're being rude by not allowing others to walk past them in either direction, but that'd be pointless and the opposite of poised. And despite my passion on the subject (and general whirling dirvishness) I like to at least strive for poise and grace.
I know I should calm down, not let it bug me, but I hold tight to my walk-rage. Unfortunately I can't let it out like I did with my road rage. I'll probably explode one of these days. Literally. Just a splotch of humanoid matter on the sidewalk.
I wonder how many times I wrote "I" in this post. Fucking self-centered, man. But then again I clearly think everyone should move and adjust their lives for me.
So now that the anger/frustration/"Fuck all of you" is out of my system I'm a little calmer, and a little ashamed. Logically I should chill out for me, but even just thinking about that makes anger bubble up through my esophagus. I should explore why I feel like this. Why is it that the idea of anyone controlling me immediately kicks in the fight/flight response? And why it's always fight? I rarely act on such things. Most people don't know how angry I can be, and it's terrible for me to be this angry. I should find a therapist in the city. Or should I just acknowledge that I'm a human, and humans have feelings and that anger is one of those feelings? I just don't know and also feel like I'm contradicting myself.
I, I, I.
No comments:
Post a Comment